


180 years of space

by Bluepill_150



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, Gen, Heavy Angst, Post-Lucifer's Cage Sam Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Has PTSD, Sam Winchester is Not Okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:14:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23998120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluepill_150/pseuds/Bluepill_150
Summary: Sam is struggling with his hell memories and Dean doesn't know how to help
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 65





	180 years of space

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place somewhere in season 7 and is a conversation I wish Sam and Dean had. I always had an issue with how the show handled Sams character after the wall in his head broke. I understand why they took the hallucination route but to me Dean seemed a little insensitive and they never really talked about it and Sam was like oddly okay with it. 
> 
> Also I have no idea how long Sam was actually in the cage because it was never established so this is just based on what Dean said about his time.

Sam woke with a start, panic clouding his vision and fantom pain radiating from his body. The room was too small, his skin was on fire and he just needed to get out. He pushed the blankets off his body and stumbled to the door, consciously making an attempt not alert his sleeping brother. His brother needed sleep, god knows he deserved some rest. 

——-

Dean woke up to a quiet room, and while that wasn’t unusual, there was a stillness in the room that unsettled him. He didn’t want to look over to where his little brother should be sleeping, because somehow he knew he wouldn’t find him there. He was right. His mind automatically went to the worst, because when your brother hallucinates the devil on a daily basis anything is possible. With shaky legs he exited the motel room hoping to god Sam would be outside. Again he was right. To say he was relieved would be a lie. Because what he found was almost worse than not finding anything. What he found was his brother leaning against the wall with quiet defeat written all over his face. At this point Dean would prefer anything else. Would prefer bursts of anger or panic, but instead Sam was just quiet, always suffering silently and he didn’t know what to do anymore. 

“Sammy” Dean said as he slowly approached his brother. Sam had a distant look in his eyes and Dean knew better than to startle him. 

“Sam” no response.

“Sammy please” Maybe it was the urgency in his voice. Or maybe Lucifer finally removed his claws because his brother finally connected eyes with him. God those eyes, so empty and full of pain at the same time. 

“Dean” there was an almost pleading tone to his voice. As if he needed something but Dean didn’t know what he needed and he figured Sam didn’t know either. “Sorry didn’t mean to wake you” 

“you didn’t Sam it’s fine. What are you doing out here kid” Dean said airing on the side of caution, not asking the questions he really wants to ask. What happened to you down there? How can I help you? _Please tell me how to help you._

“I was just…” Sam trailed off, not really having anything to say. Coherent thoughts were harder to form these days. Words always got stuck in his throat. 

“Sammy”? Dean couldn’t take this anymore, couldn’t handle the far away look in his brothers eyes. 

“Sorry…I was just thinking” Sam said going back to staring at the stars. He couldn’t handle the concern in his brothers eyes. Would give anything to be able to flash a smile and get rid of that look but he couldn’t. There was a space between him and his brother these days. Like they were both just aching to reach out and grab onto the other but couldn’t figure out how to do it so they didn’t. Maybe that space was 180 years in hell. 

“Sam are you okay” Dean said trying to pass through the fog and reach his brother, but every-time he took a step forward he ended up even further away. 

Sam didn’t answer for a long time. But when he did it was a quiet confession. Laced with an anguish Dean could never understand. 

“I’m a mess” _I can’t be fixed_

“I know” _please let me help_

“I’m trying Dean” _Please know that I am_

“I know” _God please Sammy please don’t think I don’t know that_

_“_ but I don’t know what to do” _I don’t know where I am, or how to exist in the world_

_“_ what can I do” _tell me something anything, I will do it_

_“_ Nothing” _I can’t be saved this time_

_“_ I want to help _” please_

_“_ you can’t _” its too much this time_

_“_ Ive pulled you from a fire before” _let me do it again_

_“_ its not the same _” This is more than a fire, this is hellfire and it can’t be put out_

_“_ Just talk to me _” I can’t lose you_

_“_ I can’t _” I couldn’t if wanted to, i’m choking on smoke. Its too much_

_“_ then just come inside please _” Don’t leave me_

_“_ Okay _” Don’t give up, Don’t let me go_

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> This style is kind of new to me. I really wanted to play with the idea of the divide between what Sam and Dean want to say to each other and what they actually say. So i hope it read that way and isn't too much of a mess. 
> 
> Let me know if there are any errors :)


End file.
